I’ve Missed You All

Well I’ve missed  you  all. I’ve been sick a lot  these past two  weeks. My sinuses again. I went to the hospital  clinic that is closest  to  me and since i didn’t  have a high temp they refused to give me zpack, the antibiotic that kicks it out of me. I’ve been dizzy with horrendous vertigo for about a week.

I really should have stayed home alone for the holidays, cause I was so sick and in so much pain.  I was too stubborn and too positive that the meds would help a lot, they didn’t.

The holiday interactions went well, mostly, but I ended up saying things that I should have kept silent about, because they are long standing hateful  patterns and no good comes from trying to deal with that with family, as I  have  experienced  lo these many years. So again I  got  denials, stress, bad and hurt  feelings, and no resolving of the old wounds.

Same shit, so no surprise that I still get gaslit by siblings each holiday season. And when I  confront any of them I still get to see how they refuse to connect the dots to childhood patterns of gaslighting, emotional and verbal abuse and how they treat me now.

They truly expect me to not see those patterns  repeating over and over.  They truly think I  am supposed to disconnect from myself as a  child and not be hurt or harmed by their current or past emotional and verbal abuses.  I told my sister, that was me, not another little girl, those things happened to, I am that girl, those things happened to me. It hurts when someone repeats those behaviours now. Then we had an argument that when she is frustrated with me and raises her voice and/or tells me what to do that I  should not experience that as anger. I told her frustration is an anger emotion.

Its like living in the dark ages on an emotional  level with this kind of stuff.

That is a whole  bunch of posts when I  am  feeling  up to it. I don’t  feel heard or validated. So I  tried to be clear, the only coping I  have  for this is to distance myself. I realize I’ve  spent  too much time and need to draw back, because I don’t  want to be bossed or teased and to have it called normal and my reactions out of proportion to what  is happening.

The dramamine doesn’t seem to be working this past week, though I  suppose it is fair to say it is only half working, though I’ve  had much better  results in the past.

I’m using  a lot of remedies but not much is helping. I started adding more and more things each day.

I started using hydrogen  peroxide in my ear yesterday, a home remedy I’ve used in the past for liquid in my ears and it has decreased the pain and pressure in my ears right away.  You put in a small smount of hp and leave in for one minute, turn over and drain. If it is potentially bad for me I don’t  have anything else that works as good. Today I am feeling the best in over a week.

 

 

4 thoughts on “I’ve Missed You All

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this, darling. Revisiting old hurtful patterns and behaviors from other people isn’t ever fun, and even less so when you’re struggling physically. Hydrogen peroxide is a very safe and effective way to treat an ear infection, btw–you won’t hurt yourself as long as you are careful to keep your solution sterile. Warm olive oil after the HP can also help with residual pain (as you probably know).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi David

      Thanks so much.

      I will say that some of them are subtler and kind of clueless that they are resorting to old patterns. Others just want to have their way. One brother was good on Thanksgiving and Christmas and he is the worst, so I am hoping he is trying to be different, but that is just a hope.When something like this changes, even for a short period of time it seems as though the dysfunctional system goes back to it’s go-to-guy, my sister. She sincerely wants me in her life, but i have been seeing her a lot while sick and see how I am not wearing well on her. So some time alone to heal is best and a break for her is good too. I needed more help these last four months and that is not good for our healthy interactions. I never like to expect or take much help from family, it always comes back to bite me.

      Good and healing thoughts to yous.

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

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