I Wish This Would Get Easier

Do not re-blog this.

about ritual abuse and ritual abuse triggers

There are some things that are triggering for survivors. That’s just the way it is. In time some triggers lessen, and some don’t, and some seem to get worse.

Ritual abuse survivor are triggered by things and ways that they were abused, it is a lot like triggers for child sexual abuse, only there are a lot of extra add-on triggers. One of the ways that a ritual abuse survivor is triggered is through anniversary dates. It is common for ritual abusers to use the calendar year-round to abuse. They use Christian and pagan, as well as satanic dates and celebrations and pervert them into celebrations of abuse, dominance, control, and power.

Imbolic and Candelmas, at the beginning of February, are ritual abuse anniversary dates to me that have a lot of power and triggers in my life. This has been going on for many years and this date is more triggering for me than many other anniversary trigger dates. Actually I would like to celebrate both holidays in my own way, if only I wasn’t going through such a bad time before, during, and after.

The triggers this time of year have gotten much worse in the last few years. Or perhaps I just feel the damage and triggers more because more of the system are active in our life and they are out and about and their feelings and reactions are so tied to me that I can’t separate them. In the end, we are one person so it isn’t really that important who in the system is or is not upset and being triggered by this time of year, just that we are and it’s really really bad.

Or it was always this bad and I didn’t notice it so much for a long time, just attributed it to winter and having to be inside so much, but now I see that it is much more than just that. The last few years have been really hard around these holidays. This year I got spacey about ten days before the dates, and that is usually a sign of how serious our reactions and triggers will be around an anniversary date. And unfortunately the reactions and triggers have been bothering me for three weeks still. It’s not that much better, making it hard to really engage on the blog and write about many of the things that I wanted to start writing about.

There are lots of contributing factors for my issues at this time of year, but I think that the main underlying factor is that I am a ritual abuse survivor. Each February I notice it seems to be getting worse and realize that I probably need to do more memory work and healing in this area of my survivorhood, but then forget later cause this is too difficult a time of year to be doing that and it’s so easy to put this crap aside and not bring it up again, not look at the scariness a lot of the time. So I need to start doing that.

Other contributing factors are the winter, the cold, further limited mobility in the last two years, health issues, my back disability, lack of activities and friendships, lack of money, pain levels, less capability to bike ride, difficulty getting to the grocery store and everywhere else and all the stress that puts on me, lack of sunshine and ability to be out in nature. I hate being alone and this time of year take being alone to new heights for me.

I am sort of feeling better mentally, though really not back to normal operating conditions. I”m so glad that I didn’t get a sinus infection lately, that helps a lot, and so glad that I am doing so much better than last winter, when I re-injured myself, at the nerve endings near my tailbone area.

I’ve been doing some things that are helping make me feel better and I’m hoping to post on each of them soon. For us, it really is the small, wonderful things that bring us a lot of joy and make our life better.

9 thoughts on “I Wish This Would Get Easier

    • Thank you sweet Granny. We love you. It means a lot to read your words and to remind myself that you love me. 🙂 We love you so much.

      Good and healing thoughts to you all.

      Kate

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  1. i really dont know how you do it—give yourself so much self care, and even when you are struggling, you are still so insightful and able to see it from the outside perspective. i am so sorry you are having trouble during this time of year that is difficult for you, but i know from all you write that you are strong, resilient, and never give up…and also so positive, i know you will make it through this struggle and any more after and will be even more of the beautiful soul you already are. sending you support and positive thoughts. hope this struggle passes sooner than later.

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    • Dear Kat,

      Thank you so much, you are such a sweet and dear friend to me. For such a long time I look forward to seeing that you have seen my posts and liked them or replied. Please know that it means so much to me, you are so good to me, you mean so much to me, you are such a good and supportive friend to me, for a long time. I love the person you see when you look at me. 🙂

      Thank you. Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a really big thing to deal with, especially with other struggles to work through at the same time. I think it’s amazing that you’ve been able to identify that this is a triggering time for you, and why. I think it speaks to the increased safety you’ve worked so hard to create, that you are being given clearer information about the triggers. It’s hard to sort through that kind of information, but it’s a really positive sign that you’re being given better access to it. Much love to all of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi David,

      Thank you.

      There is a list of potentially triggering ritual abuse anniversary dates, though I try not to read over it or focus too much on it, cause I don’t want to make things worse by dwelling on them. This date, though, seems to be much worse than some others.

      In each survivor’s life there are additional triggers due to the way that certain abusers and groups impact a child’s life. I am aware of those dates as well. For me, Mother’s Day and my female parent’s birthday are both trigger dates and very difficult for us as well, as well as the birthdays of the leaders of the ritual abuse group. I’ve read so many books and dealt with so much of the ritual abuse issues in therapy in the past. It helps, but I think, unfortunately, it is still a huge thing to recover and heal from and I still have a long way to go in healing in this area of my life.

      I suppose I see how necessary this is, dealing with it rather than continuing to let it deal with me, but I really wish I was over and done with this area of abuse and rather than doing the work I realize that I have engaged in wishful thinking that I really was, rather than cope and deal and work on healing from it instead. Yeah, everything else got in the way. I have come a long way and am so very proud of that, but still have more healing work to do. I deserve it and we all deserve it.

      Thank you for sending the love. We love and treasure you, friend.

      Good and healing thoughts to you and the girlies. 🙂

      Kate

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wish there were a magic wand for survivors, to either speed up the process, or once you get to a certain point of healing…you get the rest for free, since the universe knows you can do it. You totally deserve that!

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      • Hi David,

        Thanks dear. A magic wand would be wonderful. 🙂 Thanks for saying that we deserve that. Healing is hard work and there have been many times when I didn’t do healing work. I wish that I had the benefits of healing work during those times, but I needed the breaks from healing work more. We wish that there was better therapy back when we started therapy, many years ago, and definitely that we had had a great therapist back then. We wish that there was better information out there about healing back then as well and better self-help in working on boundaries, safety, self-esteem, self-care, and support. But we are proud that we have found our own way in all those areas of healing work. Thanks for your kind support; it means a lot.

        Good and healing thoughts to yous.

        Kate

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Janey,

    Thanks so much for your comments. I have to think this over, interesting way of looking at it, not sure, it may take me some time to accept the nice way that you view me, but I promise to ruminate about it and try to believe better of myself, as you see me.

    I love being cared about and especially liked and loved. Admire sounds nice, but I am not sure when someone says they admire me if it means that see me as unapproachable, cause I don’t want to do that to someone, I want and need others so much and want them, I want them to want me back and not to feel a distance between us that they can’t navigate. Do I come across as approachable? I hope so.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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