So I Told Her No

I have had a huge amount of boundary violations lately. My issues with my family is on-going. I never seem to be making any headway with my brothers. I often have to tell one of them each time I see them when they walk over a boundary of mine. It is not that I have not told them. It is that they refuse to respect me, my life, my choices, and to respect my boundaries. It is exhausting to me. It is triggering to me. I hate it. I hate it so much. As always I have two choices; see them or don’t see them. That always seems to be my two choices. There are huge patches of my adulthood where one or more of my family of origin have not been in my life. It’s the only way that I get peace with them, is to refuse to talk to them, to refuse to associate with them and it is so awesome to have peace.

I’ve been doing a lot of practice having calm and assertive energy when out in public, like I’ve learned on the show The Dog Whisperer, with Cesar Millan. I love Cesar Millan. It’s good for me to practice this as often as possible, I really need it and it is good for me. I don’t do it with my family, but I am just realizing that I need to. They may never respect me or my rights, but I respect me and my rights and I assert that I am the pack leader of my pack of one human being, and they cannot be my boss. I am my own boss.

With strangers in public I am trying to address issues as they come up, but it is amazing to me how almost each time I go out in public someone tries to push me around, boss me around, and tell me how to think and feel, what I can and cannot think and feel, where to stand, where and when to move, and evaluate and judge my value and worth as a human being. I am often finding myself mind boggled at the rudeness, inappropriateness, unfeeling, sarcastic, selfish, borderline  behavior that passes for interactions in public.

I was in a store recently where a woman backed up, almost hitting me, and ordered me to back up my cart so she could move where I was standing, because as she said she wanted to get next to the bananas.

Let me first say that I was standing there waiting for her to move. I let her go into the new aisle in front of me, when I could have rudely cut her off and went into the fresh fruits and vegetables section in front of her, blocking her and making her wait. But I didn’t, I let her go first. She was yelling and complaining at the top of her voice about the store, etc as she went down the main aisle and I was giving her plenty of room to be crazy, bitchy, or whatever, hopefully in a different aisle than where I was. I couldn’t figure out if she was talking on a cell phone or was just yelling just for her own personal satisfaction.

So I told her “no.” I told her “I am not moving. I’m standing here waiting for you to move on. I am disabled and I’m waiting for you to move. But what I am not doing is backing up for you.” (I have often twisted an ankle backing up a cart in a store, and because of that I don’t back up, but I didn’t tell her, I don’t have to explain myself to some bossy person. I thought I do not have to do what she orders me to do. There is plenty of room in the store aisle for her to move around me. I was not in the aisle she was backing up in, she was blocking me, but in her mind I was the one who should move. But I don’t have to. I do not have to obey her.)

She started telling me what she thought of my saying no. I interrupted her and told her snarkily, “I’m sorry that you don’t like my response.” She started talking over what I was saying, like judging me and bossing me around more, trying to make me do what she wanted. I told her, “By that I mean I am not at all sorry and that I don’t care if you care or don’t care. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care about what you do. I don’t care about you at all.” She had to back up further, because I refused to obey her, and that is when I walked into the fruits and vegetable aisle. I just want to say that no one made her back up, she could have gotten bananas first, she could have gone around to the next aisle to come around to the banana section. She could have asked me nicely.

But what she doesn’t get to do is to boss me around and tell me what to do. She’s not my boss. I am the Boss.

9 thoughts on “So I Told Her No

  1. Good for you! It sounds like a perfect response, and I admire that you were able to continue to assert your boundaries when she was being verbally aggressive. In my process of learning to stand up for myself, the hardest part so far has been not backing down when someone gets angry at me for setting boundaries, so it’s encouraging to me to see that you’re able to do it.

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    • Hi Hope,

      Thank you dear. I am used to getting a hostile response from my family and from others. I am also used to being very sweet and accomodating. But now I am only sweet and accomodating to those who ask nicely for something. Otherwise I am going to be practicing saying no a lot more. It’s been a long process, but I am proud that I don’t just knee jerk respond by doing what is being demanded of me, I have come a long long way and I am proud of all the good work and good results. I am certain that you will continue to make progress in this area. You are not responsible for their expectations, orders, anger or anything. It is their life, their actions, their bodies, and their responsibility. Hang in there. You are doing some good healing work there.

      Just remember, wink, practice makes perfect.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  2. Dear Kate and, ‘littles’,
    Well done, cheering you on with pom poms. You are so correct, you have rights and you are worthy of respect…lol
    love Ziggy

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    • Hi Ziggy,

      Thanks dear! 🙂 You are so sweet, thanks for your comment and for being in my cheerleading section.

      I acknowledge that others don’t have to respect me or my rights. But I also know that I am an autonomous individual and that I have a right to say yes and to say no. And especially to say no when someone yells jump.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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    • Hi Granny,

      Thanks. I would prefer that others treat me kindly and respect my rights and boundaries. But I realize that is not going to happen, so I will keep telling people no who boss me around. Thanks for the cheerleading. I appreciate that and you so much.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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