I Met A Guy

About a month ago I met a guy. As always I was thinking about the possibility of friendship, nothing more. That’s not going to work out.

It was a very hot and humid evening. I had just been to a few stores downtown and had decided to sit down by one of the many fountains for a while, read from a book, have a snack, wait for the temperature to go down a little before going home to my non-air conditioned apartment. A few minutes later I looked up and saw that a guy had decided to join me. He started talking to me.

Basically he started out the conversation criticizing something I was doing and telling me how and why I was wrong. He did it in a light-hearted jokey manner. He was telling me that there was no need for me to lock up my bicycle when I was sitting near it.

Okay this is not something I like and not something that I usually tolerate from strangers.

But it is usually my automatic response to start defending my choices. I stopped myself in mid-sentence and said this is what I do, I don’t tell someone else what to do, but this is what I do. I was really proud of myself.

He said bikes don’t get stolen down here. Which I know is untrue, they do. I’ve read about it in the local paper and even heard people talk about it happening. I wasn’t going to argue the merits of safety and crime to him. It is my choice and I can make any choice that I want to about my bike being locked, even when it is right next to me.

His next conversational gambit was to tell me, you’re sad. My response was, you seem to be assuming that there is something wrong with being sad, or allowing yourself to be feeling sad, or perhaps even some other emotions. I don’t agree. It made me feel as though he saw me as more vulnerable and that being an opening for him. I didn’t think that I was feeling more sad than anyone else that evening. I was actually having a lovely time by myself. I was really enjoying my evening.

We talked for a bit and what I really wanted was for him to go away and leave me alone so I could eat my snack in peace and privacy and read my book. He didn’t. I think that next time I will just take out my book and start reading and not care if someone considers me rude.

He was originally from another country and seemed amazed that I knew where his country was on his continent. Gasp! A woman who loves geography. He praised me as one would a five year old. It was kind of funny.

He made several comments about me that made me think he was interested in me, in a way that I was not interested in him. I made that abundantly clear, but I don’t think he wanted to believe me. I’ve interacted with guys like that in the past. It has never gone good.

He suggested that I was pretty and therefore should date. I told him he was young enough to be my son and I was not interested in dating someone  young enough to be my son.

He tried to convince me that I should have children. I tried to explain the facts of life to him, but he seemed to refuse to believe in reality. I tried to explain to him that a woman is born with only so many eggs and when those are gone, you don’t make anymore. He seemed satisfied that I would consider adopting older children, if I did ever marry.

We went on to talk politics at length. He approved of my depth of knowledge and understanding. He said that Obama was going to drop bombs on Syria. I said no, don’t count on it, not going to happen. He said oh yeah in a couple of days. I said no it won’t happen soon, if at all, wait and see and you can say I was right. Yeah, that was about a month ago and I was right.

He said several times, you are a good person. Yes. I know that. Telling me the obvious is not a compliment as far as I am concerned. Acting as though I don’t have a good grasp of that is underestimating me, who I am, and how far I have come. Really it’s kind of condescending, to us, we found it grating on the nerves rather than disarming or complimentary.

He wanted my phone number. I told him I don’t give that out, but he could give me his. He didn’t like that. He didn’t know what his schedule was going to be like so told me what day to call him to see about meeting for coffee. I called with my number blocked, but he didn’t know what day he would be off. I called two other evenings, and he didn’t pick up the phone.

Thinking over all of this for the last month, I see lots of reasons not to try to see him. I don’t like someone who just assumes it is okay to sit near me and start talking, especially a guy. He could have started talking to me while he was still standing and see if I was receptive to a conversation, rather than inviting himself into my space, even if it was a public space, it was still my space. I don’t like being told what to do and what not to do. That will immediately piss me off. I don’t like having to defend myself or being teased. I don’t like people assuming that because I am from America I am not knowledgeable about international current events, international issues and international politics. I don’t like people insisting, implying, or judging that my personal choices of being alone and childless are not valid and appropriate to my life situation, and my business and no one else’s. I don’t like being evaluated as a potential mate, especially when I am clear from the start that I am not interested in that with that person. I’ve never been able to make one of them into a friend.

So I met a guy. But he wasn’t the right kind of guy. Not even the right kind of guy to make into a friend. A potential friend has to show me respect, exhibit proper boundaries, honor women, have a sense of humor, make me smile and laugh, share of his self and his life, love the exchange of ideas and words, and so much more. None of which he exhibited.

 

 

16 thoughts on “I Met A Guy

    • Hi,

      Thanks. He didn’t when I was with him, but the more I thought over what he had said and did, the more I started to get the heebie jeebies. Not good. I’ve known guys like him from my past, who were incapable of letting go of acting as though I were a potential partner, no matter how clear I was about it. I gave him plenty of time to prove to me that he was someone that I would like to spend lots of enjoyable time with and could have lots of great conversations with. But he couldn’t prove that to me.

      Achieving clarity on myself, my life, my goals, and my hopes and dreams, well it made it real clear to me that he was not a part of that. I don’t know how I would react to another guy. But I know that I was open and honest and sharing and gave him an opportunity to show me what sort of person he was. Having clarity on myself and on him and on what he said and did made me realize quite easily and quickly that he was not for me, not in any way. It also helped me to realize that I am better at discerning others and that helps me to feel more confident of myself and my evaluations of others. That is real healing progress. I’m proud.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  1. sometimes, the clay you’re handed just isn’t even good enough to make anything with. good call, and stand your ground. you don’t need to explain anything to anyone, and you don’t need anyone either to complete or better yourself.

    btw, i have not even found any clay at all for a long time, and am managing just fine to live my life anyway.

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    • Hi Granny dear,

      Thank you dear. I will keep reminding myself of what you are saying. I am seeing that I need to let people in, a little bit, in order to do an accurate assessment. And am learning lots from that and working hard to apply my lessons learned to my daily life.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  2. I applaud your appropriate and self-loving decision that this is not someone you need to have in your life. I am quite sure that even if you tried to be friends with him, he would push that boundary in ways that would be uncomfortable and disrespectful. Good for you for heading him off at the pass!

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    • Hi David,

      Thank you. I agree with you, he is not someone I “need” to have in my life. And that is the whole point of being with others, you need and want them and they are good fits into your life and with one another. I don’t need or want a guy who is pushing on an agenda I don’t want with him.

      Those types of interactions have been hurtful, frustrating, and disempowering for me in the past. Thanks, but no, I don’t want to be welcoming that back into my life. Being sad or lonely are not what I am feeling anymore, anyways.

      I am happy with myself and the life I am working on creating and feel much more confident and happy with my alone time, actually I am tending to guard it jealously now. I love having the time to do exactly what I want to do.

      I still believe what you told me last year, that the right people are reaching out towards me and that I just need to keep reaching out and in time we will find one another.

      There is a Reiki healing circle group that meets once a month and I have gone twice now. They kind of have a different approach than me. I really like them. It is nice to be around other healers. It is nice to start getting to know new people and seeing how that goes. I had an incredible healing session with them a couple of weeks ago and am looking forward to blogging about that.

      I am in a healing support group right now, as well as going to therapy.

      I am meeting more residents of my apartment complex and have found several really nice people, and going slow and having short conversations with them.

      I have found several other groups online, one is a science-fiction fan group that I am excited about, and as time allows and as my body allows I want to start attending more things and meeting more people. I have to go slow, with my health and pain issues, but that is okay. I am finding plenty of books to read and shows and movies to watch to keep me entertained enough.

      There is a possibility of seeing a family member this weekend and that would be lovely. I love him very much and we haven’t been in touch in some time.

      I’m already loved and valued. I don’t have to go looking for that from everyone I meet, especially people who are not on my same wavelength. I believe that it is okay to keep looking and to work at discerning which ones reaching are the right ones to reach out to.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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    • Hi Tracie,

      Thank you. I think that my boundaries are improving. It is still taking me some time and a lot of thinking afterwards to articulate what I am thinking and feeling about an interaction. I see a lot of progress. Thanks for the encouragement. Good luck to you in your boundary endeavors.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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