My Mother Was an Eating Disorder

Besides being a mother-daughter sexual abuser, my mother was an eating disorder. As a baby she would sometimes  refuse to feed me. She would stop me before I got enough food. 

Later she would give me soured milk in my bottle and then take it away when I wouldn’t drink it and say, you don’t drink it, you get nothing, like it was my choice not to have food. No one else was there to notice or to stop her. I knew. I remembered. My body remembered. I was underweight. I was underweight all my childhood.

As a toddler she would take away my naptime bottle from me and give it to my brother. She would offer me food if I would sit or lay still while she abused me or if I would do whatever she instructed me to do when she was sexually abusing me. I abhorred what she wanted to do to me.

As a pre-schooler she would deprive me of food. Any time there were family members I would get food. I could have breakfast each morning. Whether or not I could keep it in my stomach was another matter.

I hated being touched by her. I hated everything about her body. I hated her with a passion. I remember being three and four years old and being consumed with wanting to beat her to death with my bare hands. She would make me vomit up breakfast if she did not think I was cooperating, or sometimes even when I did everything she asked when she was enraged as revenge against some imagined slight or wound, and then she would refuse to give me lunch. The evening meal was often the only meal that I had.

At times I was so gnawingly starved that I did not fight her. Sometimes I did not have the energy to do it. She was huge and powerful. Or I did not have the will to do it. I was tiny and powerless. Or I did not have the mind focus to hide from her or to avoid her or to become invisible right after all the family members left the house and she would catch me. I was a pre-schooler. I was a little child.

At no time have I ever blamed myself for being sexually abused by my mother, not to me, not to us. Some of us inside our multiple system have blamed and some still do blame themselves for not being loved by her, for not being nurtured and cared for by her, for not being protected and fed by her, and for being physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by her. She constantly blamed us. It was inevitable that her words would become our own inner critic voice, word for word.

Weekends were good. I had witnesses. I am so thankful to my father and family members for being there. I am thankful to them that they were not keeping food from me and I believe that they would not have cooperated with that if they had known. Everyone expected food. Food was a big part of our family life. It was a joy that we all took part in.

She was the person to dish out the food for each person at our table, for every meal. She controlled food in my life, completely.

I cannot express the joy at getting out of that house and going to school at age five. I could eat three meals a day. I was ecstatic. I wasn’t being raped. I wasn’t being beaten. I wasn’t being starved. It was a safe haven. And I was learning. Knowledge, my new obsession.

As a teenager she tried to make me fat. I was deathly afraid of being fat and cruel like her since I was very tiny. I had gained about twenty pounds around age fourteen as I was developing. I stopped eating treats, started running and doing exercises every evening and she went breserk.

She confronted me alone and threatened me. She said I would eat everything she gave me in my lunchbag or else I would regret it. She was hysterical about it all. I told her I wouldn’t and there would be nothing she could do about it and from now on I wouldn’t give it away to anyone else on the bus for my brothers to see and rat me out to her, so she would never know if I was eating everything or not. It was one of the times that I had answered her back and stood up for myself around food.

I didn’t have an eating disorder. My mother was an eating disorder in my life.

I do have disordered eating, at times, and have a very skewed concept of eating, portions, nutrition, and food preparation. She refused to teach me cooking or baking. She would describe the process in magical terms, always reminding me that I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to do what she did with food. She did that whole pinch of this, a handful of that, to taste sort of cooking. That, she made a huge point to always tell me, was way beyond my capabilities.

Everything about food had become over-shadowed with her and all the ways that she stopped me and abused me and used me around food. Since everything about food was consumed by my parental sexual abuser and with my supposed inadequacies and undeservedness of food, it makes food a very negatively charged topic. And the fact that you have to eat every day, with that heavy load in your mind and heart, to help your body be sustained, it is very hard, a very real challenge, at 2 and 6, and 14 and today.

I realize that I have developed a number of ways to have and work on connectedness. But I do not have a connection to food. And that would seem pretty elementary of a thing for someone to have. I have always been afraid that being more connected to food will make me gain a lot more weight.

Being overweight to begin with fuels my fears. I have to deprive myself so much, because I gain weight easily and due to my health limitations cannot walk much or run at all, which are usually necessary for keeping my weight down. Being starved as a tiny child means that my body is in self-defense mode each time I eat and don’t eat, and it compensates to keep me alive.

It’s very hard to lose weight. I have to deprive myself, but it is sort of necessary in order to lose weight. I hate to do that. It is so much like living with my mother and being abused and starved. It can be so triggering. It feels as though I am abusing myself.

The kinds of abuses my mother did to me around food in the furtherance of her sexually abusing me has made food an integral part of child sexual abuse. It disconnected me from food. It was a way of coping. It was a way of surviving.

It is normal for someone to have a strong connection to food, but we don’t have one.  So starting today, on Mother’s Day, I will start working on establishing my connectedness to food. I am planning on posting more about my weight loss efforts, my small indulgences that glory in food, my continuing efforts to make food, and my gluten-free cooking and gluten-free foods I have tried and hated and tried and loved.

This is all about the abuses my mother perpetrated against me, both sexual and otherwise, and the damage and aftereffects of mother-daughter sexual abuse. I will be striving to make food a central and loving part of my life, one that is loving and life-affirming, one that is healing, one that sings of nurturance and joy, one that allows me to maintain a more healthier weight.

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse Resources

Healing from Abuse Resources

10 thoughts on “My Mother Was an Eating Disorder

  1. Hi Kate, When I started reading your post I found myself saying “your mother was a f******* nightmare”. I’m so incredibly glad you no longer have to put up with her behaviour. I’m so incredibly glad you had such strength when you were little – to survive and to outgrow her. I’m also incredibly glad you can see this as the old messages, and are moving towards a more positive and, as you said, life affirming relationship with food. Yay for you!! 🙂

    All good and healing thoughts to you.

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    • Hello dear Kerro,

      Yes I agree with you, she was. Thank you for saying that. I am so glad as well that she is gone.

      Sometimes in my flashbacks I can feel my strength and courage, and resolution to survive her in those incidents and it really is quite remarkable for me to feel and know that was me/us. And I feel so proud of my survival.

      Starting to recall the things that she told me as a small child matched exactly to my inner critical voice, so I was really able to release a lot of that several years ago. There is still damage and belief inside the system, so that will take time for all of us to heal from. I look forward to the time when none inside our system validates negative beliefs about themsleves or blames themselves. They would never blame another child, and yet, still they struggle with their own shame, blame, and self-hatred. I know that in time it will be healed. Thank you for your loving support.

      Good and healing thoughts to you and those you love.

      Kate

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  2. Kate, you are one of the bravest people I have ever encountered. You continue to amaze me with your honesty and your commitment to moving forward. The mother in you — all the nurturing, protective, cherishing instincts — is so apparent, and so beautifully given to your healing process. Thanks for being you(s).

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    • David,

      Thank you for your lovely comment and support. It means so much to us that you see so much good in us. For many years, when I was in face-to-face support groups, I would be told by other survivors that I would make a wonderful mother. Well I would reject that and say no, I am not going to be a mother, even though it was obvious to all of them that I was mothering them. I am proud that I can be a mother to myself(ves) as well. They are really so precious and so dear.

      I am so happy that a compliment about mothering is something I can now accept and see as a great compliment. Thank you dear. Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  3. You have come so far to be able to see yourself differently and separately from your abusive mother (in my mind she doesn’t even deserve the title of mother!). You are nothing like her and you do deserve the title of mother. A true mother looks for the best, finds the best and nurtures the best in all her “children” – wherever and whoever they are. Even if the “child” is one of her own selves. And you, my Sweetie, are a true mother!

    With all maternal love, Granny

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    • Oh sweetie. Thank you.

      “I survive, I move, I keep going, but I’m not thriving.”

      Here’s the thing. You are traveling half the journey. Keep doing what you are doing. You will get there.

      The healing path is something that you do, but it is also something that happens inside of you. Huge leaps in healing happen because of all the hard work of enduring, surviving, and living that we all do. I believe in you.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  4. Hungry all my life, even now I fight feelings of panic and tell myself I don’t have to worry about this anymore-I can get food myself now. Mother took all my toys away. I bought some now at 50, I find it hard to change their clothes though.
    Now she has ALZ and I am caring for her- I am sick and confused..

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    • Hi,

      I’m so sorry that you can relate. I go through the panic, even when I have food right next to me. It is a real challenge to cope with. I’m sorry she took your toys away, again, I can really relate to that.

      Do you blog? I have found that blogging and meeting new blog friends has been very helpful and healing. It would be nice to hear from you more.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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