Here’s the Thing…

Here’s the thing, I love having face-to-face friends. I love being able to go out and do stuff with someone else. I love being able to grow a relationship where sharing grows into a possibility. But mostly I just put a lot of time, energy, and emotion into something that goes nowhere.

Two years ago, when I moved back to my homestate, I ran into someone downtown, that I knew before moving away. We had never become friends, but it looked like it was a possibility back then. She acted pretty much the same, kind of wanting to become friends, suggesting things we could do together, all things that I would like to do.

We did get together twice and I did call her several times. She wanted to do things that I couldn’t do, mostly because I have difficulty and pain when walking and sitting. As a disabled person I thought she would understand what my limitations were, but that never seemed to happen.

She would roll her eyes when I would explain why somewhere was not a good place to eat for me and suggest somewhere else, which turned out to be places she did not want to go to. Like my brother I had lived with, she was convinced she knew what was safe and gluten free and how to tell, though she knew nothing at all. We did manage to go to two places to have coffee.

I tried to explain to her everything and tried to explain what my living space was like at the time; unsafe, loud, drinking, smoking, and drugs going on in the house where I was renting a room, and that right now I was not getting enough sleep and just trying to cope and to move out of there. I told her I am so tired from all of this. Her response was, well it is making me tired just listening to it. That was like a slap in the face. It really hurt my feelings.

I wasn’t trying to disclose and complain to her. I was just trying to explain so that she would understand that I just didn’t have the energy or rest to do things with her that week or the next one, because she was trying to pressure me into making some commitments I couldn’t.

She also had wanted me to move into the apartment complex where she lived, though she then proceeded to list off a long list of complaints about the place. She was upset that I moved somewhere else and that my place had stairs. I would have preferred no stairs myself. The stairs can be a huge issue for me some days. I was not happy with that, but I had to move and it was a place to move to and I was very thankful for that.

Then she stopped answering her phone and not returning my messages. This was exactly how our interactions had ended the last time.This isn’t the only recent potential friendship that ended badly. But the end of the interactions were for the best.

I have some wonderful online friendships that have included blogs, phone calls and emails. Here’s the thing, once you’ve been consistently respected, cared for, listened to, loved, valued; supported in time, words, feedback, and emotion it makes it easy to spot when you aren’t being and hard to accept less from someone saying they are a friend.

What I get from my online friends is huge. It makes it impossible for me to accept something less in person.

9 thoughts on “Here’s the Thing…

  1. I’m very glad that your online interactions have allowed you to know deep down what your standards for friendship should be. The woman you describe is nothing like a true friend. You deserve the very best, dear Kate.


    • Hi David,

      Aww, thank you dear. You are right, she wasn’t. I was pretty beaten down emotionally at the time, and it made me less able to speak up for myself, taking me longer to walk away from it.

      Now I am holding out for the very best.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.



  2. I so agree with David. You deserve only the very best. Don’t settle for anything less. There is fun to be had without gluten, believe me! It’s about the relationship. You are worth it!

    Hugs and kisses, Granny


    • Hi Granny,

      Thank you dear.

      I wasn’t asking her to eat gluten free, but she acted like going somewhere that I was familiar with, that allowed me to eat a few safe gluten-free items at the place, was too much to ask for. Each place had plenty of options and really were quite similar, I thought. Except the one that I picked was much larger, had big comfortable chairs instead of only hardwood chairs, and not noisy. I don’t see the difference between going to one coffeeshop versus another, when health matters are an issue.

      I gave in to her and didn’t get to order anything but coffee, because they didn’t have anything else that was safe for me, and the place was loud and crowded and uncomfortable and she had a piece of chocolate cake (perhaps that was the reason she insisted on going there) and kept talking with her mouth open, visibly spitting the gluten all over the place. I don’t like loud, it sort of defeats the point of any interaction for me, which is to talk and listen and care and enjoy.

      So it kind of boggled my mind that she wanted to be so unbending and then wanted to be so difficult and judgmental and saying she knew what was gluten free and safe. I don’t trust someone else’s knowledge about gluten and gluten free, even when they say they have learned some things about the issue. Too much is at stake for me. Having a gluten incident is like catching influenza, with weeks of added on severe side effects. It is essential for me to avoid it, and not at all extreme to ask and expect some measure of accomodation.

      Thanks so much for your kind words Granny. Good and healing thoughts to you.



  3. A true friendship is give and take, not all one or the other. That’s not healthy or fun or very interesting for that matter. A person who refuses to compromise ever, should be dropped like a bad cold. Find a person more deserving of your fine qualities and standards. Good, kind people are out there just waiting for you, another good, kind person.



    • Hi Granny,

      Yes, I agree. In the past if there wasn’t some compromise that made me want to do something together I just wouldn’t. I got pressured into something and that was not a good thing for me. No one needs a person like that in their life who must have their own way, no matter what. She acts so innocent and vulnerable, but she is really quite ruthless with others. What a game.

      I even think it is okay for me to let go of really good people who just can’t make accomodations for what my limitations are, healthwise. Actually it is sort of required right now. I understand that good and kind people might come into my life, but just not click with me either. I guess the truth is that I want it all, good and kind, supportive, thoughtful, fun, many things in common that we love or value. I’ve tried less than that for most of my life and it just does not work.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.



  4. Pingback: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse April 2012 Edition | Child Abuse Survivor

  5. This really speaks to me. I have realized over the last couple of years how deep and real and special friendships can be, in a way that I didn’t understand before. Online friends and interactions have been a real blessing in my life.


    • Hi Tracie,

      I’m glad for you.

      Yes. In the last three years I have come to understand that as well. And they have been a real blessing in my life.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.



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