Family, Again.

I don’t know what it is. I still have a soft spot for family. I know I shouldn’t. At least not for the ones who don’t deserve it.

Recently I saw one of my siblings, who is great and great to me. He is so wonderful and we love to see this person. Another sibling, the one from the warmer state who treated me so badly two years ago, I found out, is having some issues. I know I don’t have a lot to give someone else, but I did mention that I could do something.

My sibling said, no you aren’t helping. I’m not and you’re not. He’s right, I shouldn’t, but I still wanted to.

I think a part of this is the time of year. I feel badly because of the holiday and how I hate to see someone in a bad place around the holidays. I keep telling myself he did nothing to bring joy or happiness into my life two Christmases ago when I was stuck living with him.

That year I had bought a Christmas present for him, even though I didn’t have extra money. He knew in advance I was going to get him one.  Then on Christmas afternoon he told me that he had no extra money for presents, even though I knew he did. And he went out to celebrate with friends Christmas eve and Christmas evening, leaving me alone at the home without a phone, without heat, and without anyone to spend the day with. That was only two days out of the five months of living there with him. Most other days were not better. Plenty of them were a lot worse.

So I keep telling myself, he has  other relatives who can help him, who have good paying jobs, and who should. But I still think badly of myself. And I still feel guilty.

6 thoughts on “Family, Again.

  1. I’m sorry you are having these conflicting thoughts/emotions going on. In my therapy group, the way we relate to family members is a major topic that comes up again and again. It seems so many of us feel bad for wanting them to be less a part of our lives than we think they should be just because they are family. It’s tough, but I hope you can get through the next few weeks finding strength within to do what is right for YOU (and not them).

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    • Hi,

      I can relate to that. At a time when I was working on separating from my family I was seeing a therapist who coerced me to stay and deal with my family. She used to say if you don’t deal with them now you will have to deal with the same issues with other people. Yeah, but they would be different people and the amount of accumulated pain and allegiance would not have been the same, not at all. I wonder where my life would be now if she had only encouraged me to think and feel about it for a time and then make an informed decision, doing what was best for me. Making me believe that I had a right to be abuse-free. That was the least that she could have done for me. Over time, I have realized what a horrific therapist she really was. Abuse survivors have enough pain and allegiance to those who we owe nothing. We don’t need therapists who encourage the continuing emotional and verbal abuse.

      I will try to remember that doing what is right for me is the best thing to do. Thank you. 🙂

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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    • Old family dysfunction, expecting that those who have been abused to be the ones to give and give. I still feel upset and somehow bad, but I don’t think that they will call me directly. I have other siblings with a lot of money and he has adult children as well who all have good jobs and can help him.

      Kate

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    • Hi SDW,

      Thanks. I agree, he doesn’t need or deserve my help. He has plenty of family who are in much better finanical situations than me, who he has treated so much better than me, so much so that they should feel some obligation to help him when he is down. It’s sad to me, to know he is in a bad situation, but he is reaping what he has sown, and I shouldn’t feel sad because I’m not helping, but I am so soft-hearted and so I do still feel sad about this. We are just used to helping and wanting to help. This holiday season we are trying to spend time and money on those who have been good and involved in my life this past year.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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