I don’t know what it is. I still have a soft spot for family. I know I shouldn’t. At least not for the ones who don’t deserve it.
Recently I saw one of my siblings, who is great and great to me. He is so wonderful and we love to see this person. Another sibling, the one from the warmer state who treated me so badly two years ago, I found out, is having some issues. I know I don’t have a lot to give someone else, but I did mention that I could do something.
My sibling said, no you aren’t helping. I’m not and you’re not. He’s right, I shouldn’t, but I still wanted to.
I think a part of this is the time of year. I feel badly because of the holiday and how I hate to see someone in a bad place around the holidays. I keep telling myself he did nothing to bring joy or happiness into my life two Christmases ago when I was stuck living with him.
That year I had bought a Christmas present for him, even though I didn’t have extra money. He knew in advance I was going to get him one. Then on Christmas afternoon he told me that he had no extra money for presents, even though I knew he did. And he went out to celebrate with friends Christmas eve and Christmas evening, leaving me alone at the home without a phone, without heat, and without anyone to spend the day with. That was only two days out of the five months of living there with him. Most other days were not better. Plenty of them were a lot worse.
So I keep telling myself, he has other relatives who can help him, who have good paying jobs, and who should. But I still think badly of myself. And I still feel guilty.