It is often said that one of a survivor’s areas of healing is to find their “voice.” I think it is true. Finding yourself, expressing yourself, and finding and enforcing your own boundaries are all a part of finding your own voice.
But I am also using the word voice to have several meanings here. For me my voice is also how I talk and how I sing. All three kinds of voice each have a great deal of meaning to me.
I have often disliked my voice. It is too small girl of a voice. I have often heard Dr. Drew Pinsky on his old MTV talk show say that a woman with a small girl voice is a survivor of abuse. He has said that as a woman heals her voice changes to a deeper quality. I would like my voice to be stronger, to sound like an empowered woman. So I am working on healing.
I love to sing. I have written about that here and about how I wish that my singing voice was better. I do try to sing more often and try to abstain from judging and evaluating it and instead just have fun. As I heal I notice that it is becoming more enjoyable and that is great. So I am working on healing.
I would like to be more confident when expressing my opinions, beliefs, and in every area of my life. I am pretty confident when it comes to things of the mind, but I would like to be more so.
I notice more when someone is totally ignoring me, or disagreeing and trying to invalidate me, or doesn’t care about me or want to listen. I always thought that I was accurately seeing people for what they were doing, but was constantly being invalidated in my life, so I would be unsure much of the time as well.
I used to constantly feel the need to explain myself in detail, often to ridicule and judgment. I wanted others to be able to see me and in that seeing to be able to feel love and compassion towards me. I didn’t get that a lot in my life. But I still seemed to always be doing that, explaining. I’ve always done a lot of self-analyzing and so it was easy for me to try to explain to others what I was thinking, experiencing, and feeling. I realize now that I was not to blame for those who could not feel and express love and compassion towards me. It was all about them. I cannot imagine doing this to someone else. But it was often my experience.
Now I realize that I have friends who validate me and care about me and I don’t have to explain myself or anything I have done to anyone seeking love, comfort, acceptance and care. I already have that love, comfort, acceptance, and care. So for me, right now, voice is also about when to speak and when not to bother, who to make a commitment to as a friend and who not to, and that the love that I give to another is precious and it is wise to give it to those who see that. All about healing my voice. My voice is precious to me. So I am working on my connectedness to voice, in all it’s meanings to me.
The way you shape your words… I read your blog posts, and I’m like, “THIS. That’s what that is. This feeling that’s pulling me all these different ways, this is it, laid out in readable words.”
I constantly feel the need to over-explain, or even focus on the details (which only I care about) rather than the general idea (which is what everybody else seems to focus on when relating experiences or telling stories, unless some minor detail is very important). I just thought that was because of me, but now I see that it’s more of my voice losing perseverance and clarity.
Healing seems to be like knocking the dents out of a car hood or something; all it took was one thoughtless person to dent your hood, and now you’re stuck trying to bang it back into shape again. While wearing a blindfold.
Keep working, Kate, you’re doing great things.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
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Hi,
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for being here and for sharing your healing path on your blog and here as well.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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Hi Kate,
I have a small voice, too. I’ve often felt really insecure about it, especially when people point it out. (Why do people do that?) I really appreciate this post. It makes me think a lot about how I interpret myself and how I come off to others. Having a voice is a huge part of healing for sure. We’re still struggling with that.
Thanks for the ongoing support. It means a lot.
Rinoa
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Hi Rinoa,
Thank you. And thank you for telling me that you go through this as well. Your support helps and means a lot to me as well.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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