Connectedness to Diety

Since I was very young I have had a very strong connection to diety. I became a Christian when I was still only three years old. I would have done it sooner, it was just that I did not understand the concept of God and Jesus before that, and even then only a small little concept of it at three years old. I received a great deal of love and acceptance from God as a child and a young adult. It saved my life many, many times. It kept me safe from being sexually exploited as many times as well.

I have always had trouble interacting with and dealing with God as a father. My father was far from benign. He was an alcoholic who was ineffectual at being a parent, at showing love, and at being protective. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and he visibly showed his pleasure in those activities. So it is hard for me to see God as a father.

Much of the last twenty years or so I have interacted more with Jesus. It is nominally better than thinking of God as a father.

I have trouble praying and asking for help for me or for others. Mostly because I don’t think that I am valuable enough to be loved and cared for and I wonder why God would want to listen to me or do something for me, even when I am asking for something for someone else. And really with my real father as a role model, that makes it easy for me to believe those things.

Since remembering the mother-daughter sexual abuse I have had much more difficulty accepting God in my life. It has kind of broken my trust. I remember the kind of mother I came into the world to and it shatters me to think this is the kind of mother God picked out for me. I know that isn’t true, but I still feel that way. It may take some time to alter this way of seeing things.

I now see God as mother, father, son. I know that at other times in history there have been people who have seen diety as being female and male. Some were Christians and some were of other religious traditions and beliefs.

Thinking of God as a mother is difficult as well. However I am trying to. And have to remind myself all the time that God is not like my mother, not at all.

I have not been working on this rebuilding this relationship very much, but I am doing some work on it. I see the importance in my life and in being connected to diety, so I will

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