Celebrating Mothers

I wasn’t going to write at all on this subject, but someone came to the blog on Friday from a search engine search, quotes about what mother taught me. I was very disconcerted to see that someone came to my blog from that search and went to my post Truths My Mother Taught Me.

I’m sincerely sorry to the person who came to this post. No,  you didn’t find some ultimate pretty truth about a loving mother. No, this is not a place to think good thoughts about mothers and all the good that they do in the world or in one child’s life. Really I am sorry. But I really had nothing to do with the kind of mother I had. My female parent did. I hope you find what you were looking for, elsewhere. I hope you have the kind of mother who deserves to be honored this weekend.

No, my parent wasn’t a mother. I usually don’t call her one either. Usually I refer to her in as accurate a way as I can, she was the female parent. I don’t usually use the word mother, sometimes I will say my mother to say something about her mothering, not that she was a mother, but that she was a lousy mother. She was never really a mother to me.

Many years I refused to have anything to do with her on Mother’s Day. Once I told her why. I said, you were not a good mother to me. I thought that she should get in return what good she had given to me, nothing.

This time of year, since her death, has been hard and triggering, well it’s always been hard and triggering. Last year I don’t recall how it affected me. I was too busy dealing with the chaos and dysfunction run rampant in the whack job house I was living in, with the nut jobs that lived there.

I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day this past week. My thoughts are usually very dark. This year it seems as though something has shifted. I’ve been feeling and thinking more positively.

I can, even at this time of year, feel happy that there are good mothers out there, that they mother or have mothered a large portion of our population. For that I am truly thankful. I will try to celebrate the holiday in my heart and feel that today.

So many survivor friends have told me I would make a great mother. I would say no way. I’ve been saying no way since I was four years old. Saying no to it was a way of saying no to my mother. It was a way to humiliate her and take control of my own life. It was a way to say what an awful mother she was, so much so that her own little girl would refuse to replicate her life. It was the biggest insult I could give her.

I’m finally at a place in my life where I don’t immediately dismiss the concept of my being a mother, having mothering skills, or ever being a mother. I was talking about that recently with my best friend. She said that I would make a great mother. It was the first time in my life where I could truly let it in, where I didn’t immediately say no. Not that I am going to become a mother.

I have been mothering to many survivor friends. I know I was doing that, but liked to live in denial of that. It was just to easy too call it something else. I can admit that now. I love my survivor friends and feel so protective and tender to them and about them. Giving to other survivors fulfills my deepest need and purpose in life. But we don’t really need to call it mothering.

The Littles have been telling me how much they value the mothering that I have given them. They have been awed by all that I have given to them, my acceptance and love of them, how protective I am of them, and all that I have done for them over the years.

So many inside the system mother and care for one another. It is the hallmark of our system, we are so engaged in caring for one another. Mothering, in this case, really is self-care to the system. So even though I ran from being a mother, I/we have been one for many years, I am one now.

Today I celebrate us all.

9 thoughts on “Celebrating Mothers

  1. Kate, I can totally relate to your post. Thank you for posting this. This is truly perfect for me to read tonight. Take care, and keep doing what you’re doing.

    us from Journal of Healing

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  2. In fact, if you are ok with it, I’d like to reference your post on my blog. I will of course post the link.

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    • Hi,

      Thanks so much for your link. I did a quick look around there, will spend more time when I have the energy. Sort of exhausted right now and need to lie down for a while.

      I’d love to do some polyvore collages, I just don’t know how to do it and I get scared of things I don’t know how to do computer-wise. I do collages at home with pictures from magazines, lots of them.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  3. In the first part of this, you addressed something I didn’t feel too fond of this weekend, either. Those who find a particular post from certain keywords, good keywords so to speak. Many people came across my recent post about Mother’s Day from keywords showing they were looking for how to honor their mother or daughter. This really made me consider how I name my posts, even though I want to be as expressive as I want to be in my safe place, you know?

    I am glad that you have a context to celebrate caring and mothering in. I celebrate that there is a positivity to be applied from the darkness of some realities of life. What you give to yourself to care and nurture yourself is wonderful indeed.

    Take good care,
    Brittany

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    • Hi Brittany,

      Thanks.

      I am usually more concerned with the searches that are creepy. I know they are out there, but having proof that they are here at my blog, is challenging to deal with.

      I don’t have graphic details of abuse or links to that for the reason that anyone can find my blog and wander in, for good or bad reasons. Other than that I try to write and categorize in a way that will let the right readers know how to find me.

      I do believe that it is important for the society at large to be aware of child sexual abuse and have believed that for some time. I am glad to be able to speak up for the community of survivors and if someone drops in here and is faced with some facts, perhaps they are meant to. It can still be uncomfortable for me, at times, to think someone got hurt by dropping in.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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