What I Know Now

My mother was a sex offender.

My mother was a monster.

All the hateful things I have believed about myself all my life were taught to me by abuse and abusers.

It is okay to ignore everything they ever taught me.

They lied.

She didn’t like when someone else loved me. She was jealous of anyone who got anything, even a tiny girl who was loved by her daddy.

She used terror and threats to control others, especially little defenseless children.

She used little children’s bodies like blow up dolls and sex toys.

She saw me through her own cracked lenses of being a mother daughter sexual abuse survivor and a sexual offender of her own daughter.

Just because she loved her mother abuser doesn’t mean that I have to. She also hated her mother. I get to decide how I feel about them.

She projected all her self-hatred and self-loathing onto me and others.

I don’t have to accept her self-hatred, like she accepted hers from her sex offender monster mother.

She never loved me, but she had a very small and damaged heart.

She didn’t love me. She said I was unlovable. She lied. I am loveable.

She never truly saw me.

It is okay to be happy she is dead.

It is not only okay not to love her, it is understandable.

I am nothing like her. I’m so very proud of that.

I get to decide how I am going to live the rest of my life. She can’t stop me from being happy.

10 thoughts on “What I Know Now

    • Hi Austin,

      For me these two remind me that it never was about me or who I was. It was all about her and her projections. It still hurts so fucking much. But is easier to heal from than she hated me because I deserved it.

      We are both deserving of a good mother who is capable of seeing and loving her daughter. Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  1. Loving ones mother, by virtue of being “Mom”, is really only a social construct. If you remove the part that tells you to love your mother because she is your mother, you are no longer held to the premise that you ‘should’ love your mother.

    Believe it or not, I know all this and I still fight with loving my own mother. She never sexually abused me, but I desperately needed her attention when I was little and never got it. Now, I can’t get away from still wanting her to love me.

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    • Hi Ivory,

      I understand the struggle you are going through. I do really understand the struggle when a girl desperately needs her mother’s love and attention. I have only remembered the mdsa the last ten years. Before that my emotions were much more of a struggle. I believe now that love is earned. She did nothing to earn it and instead betrayed my trust and me.

      I agree with you, loving your mother because she is your mother is a social construct. However in addition to this social construct is the biology and emotions. These are not social constructs. We desperately need our mothers when we are babies, or a mother surrogate. We do not become a human being without being socialized as a baby, without being cared for and fed, bathed and changed, without being touched and bonded. We desperately need a person to bond with. Without this we do not thrive and babies will die if they are not touched and interacted with.

      Babies and children’s needs are very essential to survival. Those who are abused or abandoned do not grow beyond this need from their primary caretaker. It is more than what our society teaches us to believe. I was never able to talk myself out of wanting and needing a family to love me. Rational approaches to this issue really doesn’t do much for me. It’s more biology.

      I have found more healing in re-parenting myself and finding supportive survivor friends, which is a kind of bonding, than in any rational argument against not loving her or not wanting her love, acceptance, and care.

      I see my life as one re-parenting project, though I don’t usually admit to it, that is what it is. That is because to many of myselves the word parenting will forever be attached to abuse of every kind, deprivation, and torture. Discipline is another word that the system rejects, as discipline to them means they don’t get what they need and are punished for their needs and wants.

      Re-parenting, by giving to me what I always needed and never got, has brought me to a place of acceptance that it is okay for me to not love her, okay not to want something from her, okay to move on and let those who are capable of loving me to love me.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  2. She never deserved your love. Sounds like she might have been a sociopath, so she probably never felt love (or empathy) for anyone. None of that has anything to do with your worthiness, Kate. I know you feel empathy and compassion, that already makes you way more of a human being than she could ever be.

    Good and healing thoughts to you,
    SDW

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    • Hi SDW,

      Thank you.

      I don’t think that I have ever thought of her as being a sociopath, but now I am thinking of it. And you are right, she might have been a sociopath. I knew intutitively that she did not ever love me, I could feel an emptiness from her where love was supposed to be; devoid of any substance.

      I know that the love she offered came with strings and manipulations and think that she was not good at loving anyone, not herself, not her husband, not even her favorite children. I just have never looked at whether her love for others had any substance, guess that is something to think about from my past memories of her.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  3. Thank you for sharing. It gives me strength to read the strong will of others in this battle. The emotions can be such a power struggle. I am often even scared to know I will never have that mother. Yet, I never truly have. My own potential has been sufficient so far, without relying on her for a day. So what am I afraid of anyways.

    Healing thoughts to you,
    Brittany

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    • Hi Brittany,

      I agree, you are wonderful, without the history of proper mothering. I am trying to accept that about myself, but am still having a lot of sadness. I know I am great without her. My mother substitutes do provide me with a lot that I never got. Still it is hard and it is a process for me, which takes a lot of time and hard work. Thank you for the healing thoughts.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Like

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