Last year, when I was living in the warmer state with my brother, I watched The Dog Whisperer a lot. In one of his tv episodes he taught me how to relax my shoulders, be calm and in control. With my health issues, my body is always so tight.
I saw an episode where he was teaching a woman how to relax, be calm, and in charge and how to have that energy in your body, when dealing with a dog. It says, I am the pack leader. She had an anxiety disorder and was getting a companion dog, so that she could go out in public more. She said after what Cesare has taught me, I probably won’t even need a companion dog.
It helped me to remember to relax. Before I left my bedroom, I would just repeat the things that Cesare said on the show, thinking of him and his calm voice. Remember to relax, let your shoulders loosen up, let them lower, be calm, be in charge.
It was during that time period, a year ago, when I was living with my brother and having so many problems with him. My brother would sometimes get mad at me for nothing, sometimes because of the way I was walking or holding myself. I would tell him I have health issues, I am disabled, this is the only way that I can walk or stand.
He would find fault with me or find any topic to argue over, even on the news or fox. Even while I was in the kitchen for five minutes to get some ice water or heat up some food in the microwave. I had no peace in the house when he was there.
He would purposely try to start a fight over things like abortion, fox, or the President. He loved to fight. He had almost the opposite views than I have. He always thought I was someone to fight with, to win against, he enjoys that a lot. Like all the people in my family, they have all their own invented rules about arguments and what constitutes a win.
I’ve never understood why someone would want to mistreat others this way. I don’t think that I ever will. I’ve never treated someone like this. I can’t imagine abusing and exploiting a disabled person.
Learning how to hold my body and to relax and to have a calm and in control energy in my body helped me so much. It helped me to realize I don’t have to argue with him to win, I can walk away and win as well. I don’t have to be in his pack. I don’t have to stay in a room when someone is being verbally and emotionally abusive. I don’t have to settle for scraps from a bully.
My brother stopped yelling at me as much. Before I moved back to Minnesota, he told me you’re no fun to fight with anymore. Wonderful.
He thought he was the pack leader of the house. He tried to kick me out of the house, twice, once after I had only been there four days. He had told me soon after I moved out there to live, I rent the house, you rent the bedroom, that’s all.
I wasn’t going to fight over who was the pack leader, he was a rabid dog, he was unsafe. I just refused to be a member of his pack. I became the pack leader of my own pack. Thank you Cesare.
I am the pack leader.
Kate, that’s fantastic. I remember my therapist telling me that the key to dealing with crazy or abusive people was to judge the success of the interaction not by their reaction, but by the calm, clarity, and dignity with which I communicate. It really helped to be able to judge things by my own rules, as you mention here, and to walk away with my own definition of winning.
Thanks. I sure got plenty of practice there and when I came home at the first house I lived at last May. I think that whole year was one lesson after another, three crazy houses in one year.
I have been free of rabid dogs in my homelife for six months and it has been lovely. Unfortunately, every now and again, I get a refresher lesson.
With my family I was always the loser when I gave them any reaction and the reason my mother told me that they continued doing it. They continued doing it because she taught them to abuse others that way, she and my father both enjoyed abusing others, and encouraged their children to mistreat and abuse others.
No reaction always felt like I was letting them win, because they would respond as though they won, no matter the outcome. Refusing to let them pull me into their black hole, that I finally saw as a win. It took a really long time to detach from their crazy. Cesare really helped me with that.
I think that your therapist sure was right there. Calm, clarity, and dignity, yeah. Or as Young Frankenstein says quiet dignity and grace. 🙂