I had a bad trigger day this week. I had forgotten that it was approaching, but my body, my system knew. That’s the thing about ritual abuse, you never forget, even if you try to put it out of your mind, it is still there and keeps coming around.
It came creeping up on me days in advance. Everything made me cry this past week, so sentimental movies were out of the question. So I tried to catch up on tv shows I had lost track of. Even so the plot twists in a normal show were still leaving me in tears.
I had been crying more often in the past few weeks. That is a good sign. I have been feeling much safer in my new place and with safety comes the return to a deeper healing. That is nice, not crying per se, just that I am accessing deeper healing.
I was very withdrawn this past week, well for me. I was still doing a lot of stuff online. I went outside once in the past week and that was on the trigger day. I just needed to see the sun shining. It was lovely.
I used some of my self-care/comforting skills. That was nice. I have my computer working and that was great. At times I just sit and do something online with a page open to my blog and I check on it a lot. For me, that is amazingly comforting and reduces my anxiety.
I found some more Songs for Self(ves) to post. Usually I find ones that represents me singing the lyrics to the system, giving them my love and support. I found one that is about me singing to the system asking for their love and support. I think it is a real turning point for me, that I believe that I am worthy of their love and support.
Overall emotionally things have settled down. But the stress and the triggering and the anxiety of us going through an annual trigger date has contributed to my feeling sick. Not sure yet if it is the flu or a cold. I’m trying to fight it off. Trying to take good care of myself and get well, because I deserve it.