I have trouble breathing. I know I’ve posted about that in the past. I have trouble breathing. I don’t breathe out all the way and I have trouble breathing deeply. I attribute that to the abuses on me by my biological mother.
I often refer to her as my biological mother. Even though I didn’t have a surrogate type mother or an adoptive mother, I often refer to her as my biological mother, because she was never a mother to me. The truth, no matter how painful, when faced, helps me to heal.
So my biological mother made it hard for me to breathe. When I was little she frequently interfered with my ability to breathe, usually in a rage, usually when I was not compliant to her sexual abuses. For years I didn’t know why I had so many issues. Just focusing on breathing exercises or meditation could bring on a panic attack. I didn’t know why, but I learned soon in the beginning of my healing that I couldn’t do anything breathing without being triggered badly.
When I am upset it is hard to calm myself down, because I can’t use deep breathing. I was told to do that the first time I tried DBT. The only good I got out of that first time was the therapist screamed at me over the phone that I should hold a rock, three weeks after I told her I couldn’t do the deep breathing. I had lots of issues with that therapist, and tried to tolerate her, because I was in the DBT program, but she screamed at me and that is something I will not tolerate from a therapist. I should hold a rock, I find them very comforting, but I usually don’t.
One of the only good things I got out of my second time with DBT (see comments) was that I should practice the skills when I am not upset. I was told that was the way I should have been doing it the first time I took DBT.
Still, even when not upset, focusing on breathing; making deep breaths and holding my breath in, can still bring on a panic attack. I discovered recently that when I have a bottle of essential oils open I can breathe deep and hold the breath several times. I tried that a for a few days.
Now I’ve decided to add it as a healing daily skill, something I do when I want to remind myself about doing some healing self-care. Breathing in the smell of the essential oils seems to help me focus on something other than the breathing and holding my breath a few counts feels different than just breathing. This is one method of using essential oils, breathing it in, and I think it is a good beginner skill for me to work on in breathing and thankful that I have found something that doesn’t trigger or panic me.