Something happened. I think it is related to my body love work. A guy I barely know touched me and I pulled away and told him not to touch me. That is huge progress in my life. Usually I am so consumed with rage when someone oversteps my boundaries it is hard to say anything. I feel all shut down. I feel scared of my rage at the person. I feel as though I can’t express anything I am feeling appropriately. Not this time.
He was talking and walking towards me and I told him before he got near me that I did not need or want his help. He still did. I was expressing anger in my words and voice, a lot of anger. His concept of personal space is inappropriate, so unfortunately he had gotten too close to me. He reached out and touched my upper arm while he was talking to me. I pulled away. It was one of those touches that men do to women when they are trying to control them, trying to put them in their place. I hate that. I hate men like that.
I told him, “Don’t touch. I don’t want to be touched. Don’t touch me” He stared at me like he thought I was crazy. I was enraged. I was angry. And I wanted him to see that.
In our short acquaintance he has impressed upon me with his casual mistreatment of his wife, his lack of parenting, his judgmental treatments of others, his awe of ministers who focus on being rich in their sermons, his awe of television evangelists who spew racism, sexism, and hatred. He saw how repulsive I thought he was to touch me. He is repulsive. I loathe him.
I just can’t believe that someone who met me less than a week ago could touch me like that. I am an older single woman and he is a married man. I don’t let married men touch me unless we are very close friends. There is nothing about our interactions that has led him to believe that would be okay. I only hug three of my brothers and mostly they don’t use their hands to hug. They use mostly their arms, shoulders, and that feels safer for me. I wouldn’t let one of my brothers touch me like he did. I certainly won’t let someone like him touch me.