Aftereffects List #21

21. Feeling the demand to produce to be loved; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships = big tadeoffs.

This is one of those ones that I don’t think that I have many issues with. Though I see how it has impacted me a lot more than I recognized in the past.

I was constantly rejected and scapegoated. I never felt an accepted part of any group. Therefore the power of the group did not have the same power over me that I have seen happen to others and seen their struggles with these issues. Not being loved made it easy for me not to give up everything in an attempt to get something I couldn’t attain.

I was not a part of the accepted group, whatever that was, females, girls, women, women who get men, etc. My mother and sister made it abundantly clear to me over decades that I was an unwanted person, would never been wanted, and would never find someone to care for me.

When you are treated this way and believe these negative and hateful things; it makes it hard for social control and pressures to have as much power in your life. So I didn’t feel as much need as other women or other survivors might have felt in their life to conform, to curry favor and love.

It wasn’t like there were a lot of potential partners seeking me out. I have been told that I was intimidating. I was merely scared out of my mind and shy. I understand how that could have been misinterpreted by others.

I did see a lot of trade-offs in relationships, especially for women. So that made it easy for me to be content where I was. I wanted to be able to think and believe what I thought and believed. I wanted someone who saw me and wanted me in their life. I had a lot of friends who never seemed to want me.

I didn’t want to repeat that with a partner. I could manage that pretty good until I actually did date. The one long-term dating relationship I was in was horrible and cost me a great deal in order to keep the relationship going. It was not worth it.

Now I like to be good to my friends. I like to be there for them. I like to do things for them. I don’t think that I have to earn their love, their time, their attention. But I understand that a lot of survivors do things to get others to want them and to be with them and to love them.

I finally have survivor friends who are good to me, I know that I am wanted by them, and that I can be as nice as I want to be to them, knowing that I am not buying them, their time, their love, and that they care and accept me as I am. It is a wonderful healing gift to not have to give up a part of who you are in order to be loved.

6 thoughts on “Aftereffects List #21

  1. I find I can get stuck in the same ritual too…living only to please others. It could be because of my Christian upbringing (which was great btw) in that the focus is what you can do for God or for others and denying yourself. I think I just take it too far which is what causing the problems. Ahh…boundaries…they are horrible!

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    • Hi Sanity,

      I like to think of myself as a person who does things for others and that contributes a great deal to my self-esteem. But you are right… boundaries.

      Thanks for your comment.

      Kate

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  2. I’ve lived my whole life producing to please others… until recently. Now I’m not sure who I am or what I’m doing any more. My life seems completely empty without those expectations, and without “work” to bury myself in. Work is, of course, still there… I’m just not burying myself in it anymore.

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    • Hi Kerro,

      I understand that feeling. I think that is great that you are at this place. Now you get to decide what you are going to fill yourself up with. With good things that your therapist tells you. With good music that you love and brings you bliss. With laughter and joy that touches you. With new hobbies and new ideas. With self-care and self-love. With all the good things that are within you that you don’t see yet, but soon will start seeing. With yourself. With your life. With you.

      And there is a lot there to fill you up. Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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