Aftereffects List #17

17. High risk taking (daring the fates); inability to take risks.

For a long time I liked to think that I didn’t take high risks. For a long time I thought that I took normal risks. Now I think that was all denial. I have had big problems with both sides of the continuium. Both problems have improved.

I used to live in a big city. Now I live on the edge of suburbia. I used to go out any time of the day or night. I used to go out to bars to listen to bands and travel home late at night. I was taking big risks with my life and safety.

Even though I was told how unsafe I was to do that, I still couldn’t believe that something could or would happen to me. When I became an active church-goer as a young adult, I just couldn’t believe that God would ever let anything horrible happen to me. That was an inaccurate thing to believe and it was a problem for me and my safety.

I still sometimes go out in the middle of the night. I live in a safer area. It could still be dangerous. I try to do my best to be safe. Still I am not as safe as I should be. I need to do more.

I trusted men that were untrustworthy and unsafe. Something abusive could have happened to me so easily. There are a lot of things that I don’t do anymore. I am kind of upset and baffled that I could have been hurt or abused so easily.

I do take risks. At times I took more, at times less. I take less, because of all my fears and worries. I take less, because I fear failure and I fear being hurt by others. I get rejected a lot by others and it keeps me from reaching out to others.

When I was a child, and a young adult I had so much more difficulty talking, interacting, and being with others. I had a painful time doing any of those things. I was painfully shy. Even talking was a great risk. I have come a long way. Now it isn’t painful, it is just potentially painful. 

I’m working on reaching out more and taking the normal interacting and achieving risks. I am working on learning how to accurately assess safety, trust, and risk. I’m working on making my life and body safe as I move through the world.

2 thoughts on “Aftereffects List #17

  1. I have a huge problem with risk taking. If it’s just a small risk, it takes a lot of courage for me to over come it. Mostly, I don’t take risks, even small ones if I can help it because I’m a mess afterwards. It’s awful.

    What makes me mad is when someone knows I’ve had to stretch every ounce of courage I have to do something and I’m about to pass out afterwards and some idiot says, “see, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Heck yes, it was terrible! Can’t they see me shaking? Can’t they see I’m not breathing normally? But then, some people just don’t get it.

    Like

    • Hi Ivory,

      You are right. It does take a lot more courage for a survivor to take risks. We have a lot to be proud of, even in the small risks we take.

      I understand, you are right. Some people just don’t get it. I think that they really don’t want to know. Which I think is too bad. We deserve to be given all the credit for what we do.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Like

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