11. Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying.
This is something that I have dealt with all my life. I can’t remember a time in my childhood when I wasn’t depressed. I had a lot to be depressed about.
I cried so much as a child and a young adult. It didn’t feel much better, but I needed it. I think it helped me to heal things that I couldn’t remember yet. I think it helped me to survive another day so that I could get closer to healing.
I look back on my life and see all the consequences of what the abusers caused in my life through abusing me. And I don’t want this past. I don’t want my life to be robbed from me any longer. And that is what depression does.
I’d write more about the specifics, but it is too depressing right now to go into that. I rationalize avoiding that by telling myself that every survivor has experienced depression and knows exactly what I am talking about.
It has only been in the last ten years that I feel as though I have gotten a good grip on my life, my choices, my healing. But I still get depressed. I still cry. And I think that I could still be categorized as having depression.
However, I think of it as the aftereffects. I think of it as grieving the abuse, its effects on me, my losses, and the pain that has been a part of my life. I need to grieve and it doesn’t serve me to try to avoid that. But it is hard, it has been long, and it can be depressing. And I am winning.
Kate Is Rising 
I wish I were able to cry; I think I’d probably feel physically better if I had that as a toxin-buildup release. But depression has chased me lifelong, and I doubt I’ll ever be completely rid of it. Clinical depression was my misdiagnosis for most of my adult life.
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Hi David,
I do think that crying is a toxin release as well. It can also help sustain a miserable feeling for hours.
I know other survivors who cannot cry. I read that as survivors heal, they start crying. I know that my inners had the same sort of healing trajectory around this topic. Each was miserable before, during and after this process, but it did bring much needed healing.
Good and healing thought to you.
Kate
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Hi Kate!
yes,,, it’s a hard one. I don’t know.. Sometimes I feel ok… sometimes not. I went through a lot of anger because of this. I was a deppressed child as well. I don’t remember ever being truly a happy child. I felt different… sad… My mother never noticed…
I think of it as grieving the abuse
Crying is good.. I didn’t cry much as a kid.. I cried on the inside.. It has only been a couple of years since I learned that bringing out one’s feelings is best.
It is good that you can write this!
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Hi Identity,
Thanks and thank you for your comments.
Anger is the next on the list. I think it is a huge part of being a survivor and in healing.
I’m sorry that your mother never noticed. I’m sorry that is all too common for survivors. I’m glad that you are letting yourself experience your feelings. That is really a big part of healing.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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I have begun to believe the grieving never stops. There is so much childhood lost, so much betrayal, and so much unseen damage that it constantly creeps up.
You are doing a great job of seeing it, tho.
Crying is a huge part of healing. I was never allowed to cry and it took awhile for me to be able to, and I haven’t stopped yet. About the toxins…I also haven’t been sick – colds, flue, anything, since I began to cry. I cry buckets of tears (I hope it stops soon, tho).
Happy tears to you!
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Hi Ivory,
I’m glad that you don’t get sick now that you can cry. That is good.
I think that processing emotions in a timely manner also can have a significant impact on our health and immune system.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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Kate. Wow. These posts are amazing, and really touching me, especially this one.
You’re right. The grieving never stops. The grief over what was lost, what will never be, etc etc etc. My therapist says it does get easier. Like any grief, we learn to deal with it and its power becomes less all consuming. I can see this in myself, although the road is long, slow and hard. I’m glad you can see it in yourself, too.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Kerro
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Hi Kerro,
You’re welcome. Gosh, this is a lot harder to do than I thought. It sure brings up a lot of excrement.
Grieving continues to change and lessen and grow as the healing process goes on.
Thank you so much for your comments and your blog. They mean so much to me as well.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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Kate, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. It was hard enough for me just reading that list of another 37 things I can identify with.
I’m so glad you appreciate my blog / comments. That means a lot to me.
Please take care out there.
Kerro
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Hi Kerro,
Some days it is hard, it is bringing up a lot of stuff. Most of it I have dealt with for a long time, processing, feeling, grieving, healing. But still sometimes it sneaks up on you and hits you in the back of the head.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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Yea, I know that sneaking up thing. Just when you think things are going well, something knocks you for six, right? *Sigh*
Even though it’s hard, you seem to have come so far, and so much farther than many of us. Well done – it’s awesome! Hugs to you.
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Hi Kerro,
Yeah that is a bummer when there are falls. But knowing we can get back up and start over, that is important.
Thank you. You’re such a sweet heart.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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