11. Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying.
This is something that I have dealt with all my life. I can’t remember a time in my childhood when I wasn’t depressed. I had a lot to be depressed about.
I cried so much as a child and a young adult. It didn’t feel much better, but I needed it. I think it helped me to heal things that I couldn’t remember yet. I think it helped me to survive another day so that I could get closer to healing.
I look back on my life and see all the consequences of what the abusers caused in my life through abusing me. And I don’t want this past. I don’t want my life to be robbed from me any longer. And that is what depression does.
I’d write more about the specifics, but it is too depressing right now to go into that. I rationalize avoiding that by telling myself that every survivor has experienced depression and knows exactly what I am talking about.
It has only been in the last ten years that I feel as though I have gotten a good grip on my life, my choices, my healing. But I still get depressed. I still cry. And I think that I could still be categorized as having depression.
However, I think of it as the aftereffects. I think of it as grieving the abuse, its effects on me, my losses, and the pain that has been a part of my life. I need to grieve and it doesn’t serve me to try to avoid that. But it is hard, it has been long, and it can be depressing. And I am winning.