Survivor Aftereffects List #10

10. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including passive suicide).

Yes I went through this. I have heard this issue repeated so many many times by other survivors. I have had friends go through this for months, for years.

I used to think that I never acted out my suicidal thoughts. But that was before some memories surfaced.

My brother, who was a less than two years older than me, was the closest thing that I ever had to having a good mother. He meant the whole wide world to me.

When I was five my mother had manged to finally turn him against me. She taught him how to say the filthy nicknames at me with classic conditioning techniques, good old cookies. I knew if she could get him to hurt me like this and to enjoy it, she would do this to my younger siblings as well and then I would truly be alone.

It truly was my breaking point. I just couldn’t endure anymore from her or my family of origin. One day I climbed up the staircase to throw myself on the floor beneath. I calculated that I would have to climb on top of the railing at the top of the stairs in order to get enough distance between me and the floor below. I tried and I tried. I couldn’t manage to get my little body atop the railing.

I emotionally fell off the cliff after that failure. It took a long time for me to be able to pick myself up and walk away from that.

I started picking and scratching my face and having raw and bleeding areas, with scabbing over being pulled off over and over.

Kindergarten was a blur. I remember the first day and I remember sitting in the back of the class and looking at the letters of the alphabet above the blackboard. That is all.

I remember getting ready for my kindergarten school photo one morning and how my mother managed to damage my beautiful navy dress that I loved so much, so I had to wear a different dress for the photo. I still see the damage on my face on that picture, with the white itchy cream she would force me to wear.

A few years ago I finally cut my brother out of my life. He was exactly as my mother had fashioned him, still taking glee in hurting, wounding and abusing me. He still doesn’t get why. Though I tried for over three years to get him to stop verbally and emotionally abusing me. He still doesn’t get why. He never will.

There was another attempt when I was eleven. I’ll try to write about that another time.

When I started to remember ritual abuse memories and learning that I was multiple, I had constant suicidal thoughts. So many of my littles were feeling the abusive group’s programming to kill ourself after we started remembering. It was a constant thought process for several years. I’m so glad that we survived.

6 thoughts on “Survivor Aftereffects List #10

  1. I hear you. I still have problems with it. One of my littles believes she can “save” me by ending my life. T says she doesn’t realize it would end hers, too.

    Most of the time, I don’t know what to think of this, or how to deal with it. I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.

    I am sorry that your brother still is clueless – I’m beginning to wonder if it hurts worse when it’s a sibling who used to love us and now doesn’t.

    Much sadness for you over this. Many hugs, too.

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    • Hi Ivory,

      I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to go through and to try to help the little ones to get beyond this.

      I have accidentally seen my brother three times this year and each time he acts baffled and enraged that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. He really refuses to see how cruel he has been to me for so long and how much I really hate him for that.

      I think it is worse because he did love me and because he was the sweetest boy in the whole wide world until my mother molded him. He was a mother to me and if not for him when I was very little I don’t think that I would have made it. For decades I still associated with him in memory of the little boy he once was.

      I was so very sad for a long time and now I have mourned and grieved and mostly what I feel is rage and betrayal. But writing about this and feeling about it has brought up sadness and tears as well.

      I’ve been working on finding my own new family for some time now and that helps. It is healing to have someone who sees you in a loving way; who wants you in their life. Who sees the good in you and reflects that back to you.

      Thank you for the hugs. Hugs to you as well.

      Kate

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  2. It’s really hard to explain to a lot of people that a young child can be actively suicidal. I absolutely was, but I was also acutely aware that a failed suicide attempt might simply leave me maimed or disabled, and it wasn’t worth trying until I was sure I could get it right. This curious level of practicality kept me from doing a lot of things I really wanted to do to myself.

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    • Hi David,

      I think that being so intelligent I was able to talk myself out of a lot of attempts that would have failed as well.

      When I was in my mid-twenties and living with my mother abuser, the system was very suicidal and making plans. I was able to talk them out of it for the same reasons. I would always tell them that we had enough pain and disability and did not need to suffer with more and then would explain in detail how the plans would fail. That really helped get us through that time period. I was so lucky that they trusted me and believed that I was telling them the truth.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

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  3. A support system is very important. I once took OD anti-depressants. I don’t remember putting it into my mouth but I do remember drinking water with it. It was so sudden. When I feel ok, i know that this is a stupid thing to do and I would never do it, but when I feel so dark and stuck I just do it.
    I now know when I am going down hill and I try to get help before I get there…
    I believe there is a reason why we survived this. And we did!

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    • Hi Identity,

      I’m sorry that you went through that. I think it is so common with survivors. We were taught that we were nothing and we didn’t see that it could get better. I’m so glad that it does get better.

      I’m glad that you are in a better place. I agree with you. There is a reason why we survived, and it is a good reason.

      Good and healing thoughts to you.

      Kate

      Like

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