I figure that after all the years of healing that I have done, I am about half full. Half full of the pain and damage from abuse, but also half full of all the healing and good things. I figure I’ve managed to heal and drain out about half of the damage and pain the abuse has caused me.
I’ve noticed that it used to be that I would cry at the drop of a hat. I always believed that there was so much pain in me that no matter what, whether it was a good or bad thing that happened to me, my normal reaction was tears.
Some things still drive me to tears, remembering more incidents of childhood abuse, being emotionally and verbally re-abused, usually in some secondary wounding way, watching anything that is talking about child abuse, starvation or neglect (due to personal childhood experiences with these), including kids, animals, and groups of people being targeting in their country of origin to warfare, Celtic music, many of Bruce Springsteen’s songs; and when a happy and precious ordinary moment gets noticed and honored.
I think that I will always find the path to tears easy to travel. I am okay with that. It is no longer accompanied by the belief that I am unworthy and damaged.
I believe that the reason I respond with tears is because I would become overly full and something had to leave me, and luckily it was the bad that had to leave, so there were tears leaking out; the excess I could no longer contain. I look forward to the day when there is only good inside of me /us and that when something wonderful and joyous happens all that can come out will be laughter and smiles.
Seeing that I am half full or half done with healing sits fine with me. I plan on living ’til I’m 104, so on my birthday this year I’ll be walking into the second half of my life. Yes, it suits me just fine.