Don’t Give Yourself Away

I had an online friend. She gave and gave and gave to others online at a message board and got nothing in return. She was and still is a lovely person, totally worthy of love and affection just by being herself.

There are some people in life, in the workplace, in the homes and in our families of origins, in survivor circles, in the streets, everywhere who are emotional vampires. They give us nothing back and just take and take and take. They want to suck us dry and our destiny is not to let them suck us dry. That is not our destiny.

I told her it was not her destiny to take care of people who gave her nothing back. I told her don’t give yourself away.

I had left the message board we were both a part of back then and we hadn’t been in touch much, but I ran into her recently online. She told me of course she remembers me, I saved her life, I had told her not to give herself away.

I told her, you acted. You saved yourself.

Don’t give yourself away. Not even to other survivors.

 Friendships are meant to be reciprocal. We all need love and for someone else to care about us; it helps us to love and care about ourselves. But loving and caring about ourselves means learning boundaries on what you will do and what you won’t do. Don’t give yourself away.

If someone is taking and taking and taking from you and not giving back, that is not friendship. If they say they want to spend more time with you, even an online friend, but they spend time and give to someone(s) else and just take from you, they really don’t want to be giving to you, or they would.

This is different from a newer survivor or a survivor looking for resources who wants to learn and be supported, they need so much and I am inclined to help them. That is not a friendship, but it can turn into a friendship, but only if the other person is giving as well. Not all interactions have to lead to friendship to be fulfilling. 

Talk is cheap, actions cost. Love and friendship are not just words or feelings, they are actions, they take time, they take effort, they are hard work, they are reciprocal.

Emotional vampires are different from survivors who have little trust and need time to build up to sharing and giving support. But they won’t go expecting you to give them what they cannot give to themselves. They will instead probably be shocked and amazed when someone does give them acceptance, caring, understanding, and support. Emotional vampires will seek it and accept it as their due. They will call themselves  your friend, but they never are.

They will judge and undercut you, making you feel more fragile and vulnerable, rather than more healed. They will only contact you when they need something, leaving you feeling oddly empty and used and in need.

If someone is sucking you dry, never giving back; they are not worthy of you or your friendship and support. Letting them go is hard, but it allows a space for the right kind of people to come into your life. I know how hard living in the space of nothing is and how hard it feels and how long it takes to find the right kind of friends.

True friendship is about seeing other survivors with kind eyes and having them look at you and see you with their kind eyes, a you that you only wish you were, a you that you are but can’t see yet, but they help you to believe it might be true. If someone is demeaning and judging you, that is not a friend, that is an abuser.

I’ve given myself away many, many times since that conversation with my online friend. I settled for so much less than support from others while giving them huge amounts of support, knowledge, and caring, just for the chance to start being friends, when they probably were not even offering friendship in the first place. It looked like it, from a distance, but up close it was using and taking from another survivor.

They were giving, just not to me. They would have their own little groups that they gave support to while also getting a great deal of support from others outside the little group. Or they refused to change in any way and wanted you to agree that they needn’t do anything. I agree they can remained unchanged, but that is not healing. Or they were new and just wanted to be taken care of; refusing to give to others and making it a virtue. Not giving back is not a virtue. It seems to me that what they were really looking for were therapists. We are not other survivors’ therapists.

However, being a survivor is not only about getting healing, it is about giving to others as well; your time, your caring, your concern, your empathy, your knowledge, your support, your friendship. It’s about you deciding who you are giving the gift of your friendship to. It’s also about boundaries and learning how much to give, when, where, and why. It’s also about reciprocity.

I remember how much I yearned for a friend and then several more. It didn’t happen right away, it took time. I didn’t always use that time wisely and healthily or in a healing way. But I found a couple of friends to stand with me and then I slowly found some more once I started to blog. Amazingly they see the value in me, especially when I still can’t see it. I’m starting to believe them.

My experiences on message boards has been almost the opposite of my experiences on the blogging world. They truly have been a miracle in my life. I don’t have to give myself away.

You don’t have to give yourself away.