Safety

I am safe, for now. The abuser doesn’t have a key to the house, unless someone else gives her one. They know I am moving out and just trying to get someone to move my things into a storage facility.

My brother didn’t decide on that until after four pm, where businesses stop working. I got interrupted in that process for three hours with abusive and dysfunctional family members of my roommate who came here and called the cops on me. She doesn’t live here and has no legal rights.She told the officer that I wanted the cops. I said no I did not. I told her to leave me alone and stop harassing me or I would call the cops. So I told him the stuff about getting assaulted, about moving, about getting interuppted and how they are making it take a lot longer because her mother came here shouting at me and using the phone for hours. Asked him to make them back off so I can move.

So I have to wait until tomorrow morning to call and ask about storage with a company that I spoke to about that as an option today. It would be great to get it done as soon as possible so that I can make other plans to get a plane ticket or a bus ticket out of here. Until I get that I can go to the homeless shelter and stay there. The issue is finding someone to give me a ride to the town where the homeless shelter is.

I called legal aid. They can’t do anything for me unless they try to remove my property or serve me with an eviction notice. So that is that. I called the battered women’s shelter who told me that they can’t help me because I got physically assaulted by someone who I was not in a sexual relationship with, past or present. So that is that.

I can go to the homeless shelter and stay until my next check comes, but I don’t have anyone to give me a ride there. I asked a couple of neighbors. It is possible, but it depends on the time and the day, so that is still waiting on finding out about moving my stuff into storage and how much and will my brother pay for it. So that is that until tomorrow morning and I can call and try to get a date and time set up for them to load my stuff up and take it away.

My brother is offering me a room at a house he is renting in California. I have no other offers. I have no one else to help me. So that is that.

I am dealing with a lot of pain and health issues due to the assault. I hope that gets better quickly. I am working on that. So that is that.

So I am safe, for the time being.

This is my Prayer

The 23rd Psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul;

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’ sake.

Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; For thou art with me;

Thy rod and thy staff; they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies,

Thou anointest my head with oil, My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Healing Quotes #43

All of us know about learning life’s lessons through pain, struggle, and loss. But few of us realize that it is often the gentlest lessons that teach us most. Serendipity can instruct us as much as sorrow.

~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

No Peace

Warning, mentions an incident of physical abuse.

No peace for me here in Ohio Valley. My roommate’s ex girlfriend physically assaulted me Sunday evening. I called the police and filed a report. Everything is still up in the air. I don’t want her here, because I don’t want to live with someone who abused me, who threatened to in the past, and who has out of control rages.

I broke up with my boyfriend the day he physically assaulted me. That was more than twenty years ago. I was not willing to ever see him again. I feel the same way here. However it is complicated. I am not in control.

I moved here about seven weeks ago, spending all my extra money on the move, etc. I can’t move anywhere right now. I can’t afford to go home to Minnesota until January at the earliest.And then I won’t have enough money for a place, just for the truck and all the costs of moving.

I am in a lot of pain after the pushing and shoving and shaking of my body, dragging me from one room into the other. I have a lot of disabilities, this person knows that. Too much pain after the assault to ride the roller coaster hills to the bigger town and to a doctor. And no one to give me a ride, with no car and no license. I told her not to touch me as she ran down the stairs screaming. I told her I would call the cops and press charges.

So you can see why my 18 wishes had the first three wishes be peace, safety, and harmony. Because I don’t have any here. And even though the list is not in the order of most important, those are the three things that first came to my mind. Good and healing thoughts to us all.

Healing Quotes #42

Our painful experiences strengthen us in becoming more empathetic, more caring, and deeper human beings. We grow in depth of understanding, with greater appreciation for the miracle of life.

~ Alexandra Stoddard

Sexual Abuse a Prior Condition

Contains swearing.

I was watching a news program a few nights ago. I couldn’t talk about it then. I was numb for a few days about it. Apparently in some states sexual abuse is allowed to be considered a prior condition by insurance companies as a reason to deny reimbursement for health bills, including mental health bills.

Those who are victimized by rape and domestic  violence are allowed to be discriminated against by being denied care and reimbursement.  Next they will try to deny coverage for a client who has a history of child sexual abuse. It makes me wonder who will stand up for all of us and why they haven’t stood up yet.

All I gotta say is motherfuckers. The insurance companies in those states who get away with this, motherfuckers. The state legislatures in those states who let those insurance companies get away with this, motherfuckers. The national legislatures who let those insurance companies get away with this, motherfuckers. I am embarrassed that any of you can exist and that you pretend to be human beings. You aren’t. You are motherfuckers. Pass the health care reform so that you can pretend that you are human beings once more.

Healing Quotes #41

I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body.
~ Sahara

My Poetry

A Blank Canvas

i want
a
fresh new canvas
one that has
not been
painted on
by others
with their
abusive footprints
and handslaps

i want
a
beautiful blank canvas
to live upon
unsullied
unmolested
unbound
by the
colors
of pain
abuse and
damage

i want
a clean white canvas
to live my
life upon.

~ Kate

Healing Quotes #40

The body is a sacred garment. It’s your first and last garment; it
is what you enter life in and what you depart life with, and it
should be treated with honor.

~ Martha Graham

Multiple Myths Part 1

Myth: Multiples don’t exist.

I had been thinking about how hard it is to say what being multiple is. Today I was reflecting on how much easier it is to say what multiples are not. So I thought I would start writing about what we aren’t.

Multiples are real. We exist. We are real people. We have real problems. Most of us were abused. We live our lives. We are like other people, with extras. And we are real. We exist.

For a time I was an assistant manager at a video store. I remember very clearly the conversation I had with a wonderful young man who worked there. He was a freshman in college and for some odd reason was taking abnormal psychology already. He was quite animated when he explained to me how Dissociative Identity Disorder did not really exist.

I can’t remember that he explained how that could be possible. He hadn’t retained enough of what his professor had said to explain his reasoning in detail. However I wasn’t going to listen. I interrupted him and said that multiples do exist.

I told him that I was a survivor of abuse, I had been in a number of women’s support groups, and had met and knew a number of people who were multiple. His eyes glazed over a bit while I explained about multiplicity, how his professor was wrong, and how multiples deserve being validated, believed in,  to be given compassion and support in their healings and lives.

At the end he still had that look in his eye. That he believed in his professor and not me, not what I said, not in multiples. He was too polite to say it, but I saw it, and to look at me like that was just cruel. He didn’t realize it, but he was telling me that I didn’t exist. Yeah we exist. I exist.

We deserve better than lies, untruths, myths, and denial from society. We deserve better.