“I don’t want to be little again. But at the same time I do. I want to be me like I was then, and me as I am now, and me like I’ll be in the future. I want to be me and nothing but me. I want to be crazy as the moon, wild as the wind and still as the earth. I want to be every single thing it’s possible to be. I’m growing and I don’t know how to grow. I’m living but I haven’t started living yet.”
~ David Almond Jackdaw Summer
I recently read this article. Some of the items I have been working on for some time. Some of the items I have been working on for a shorter period of time. Some of the items I don’t like at all and rejected them as suggestions.
Usually when I read lists of suggestions for doing things better in my life, I like the suggestions and often like the idea of doing several of them. But usually I do nothing. I guess I get kind of overwhelmed and the article or suggestions from books or others often get lost in the effort of managing my daily life and healing work.
So I decided this time to try something different; to pick out five items from the list and to try to work on them for several years.
Here are the five things that I have been working on:
Don’t forget to play.
(Always a difficult thing for me to integrate into my life. But I have been working hard at playing. One thing I did do this past week was to buy the dvd It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and have watched it several times. I love that show and try to watch it each year, and now I can watch it whenever I want instead of trying to catch it’s once a year airing. I’ll be writing about this suggestion more in the next few weeks and months.)
Listen to your body.
(Especially I have been using this suggestion the last few weeks for when I am tired and need to lie down, and need to rest or sleep. Look, I really don’t want to do this, but when I need to lie down and need to rest or need to take a nap or go to bed in the middle of the day or can’t sleep at all, I really need to be good and kind to myself and not try to tough it out like I have done a lot in my life. I need to be gentler with myself. I need to listen to my body.)
Be who you really are.
(Article suggests not being concerned about what others think of you, which had always been a huge issue for me. I had been working on this for a while. I decided it might be good to approach that issue from the other side, really being who I am more of the time. I had been doing this through the blog world and practicing being more engaged in the world.
Unfortunately I get shy in public often and this hugely gets in the way of being comfortable with myself. I think my shyness has been coming out more often because I really haven’t been around a lot in public over the last nine months and now being around others is making me shy. This is a lot worse because many of the times when I am interacting with others is in a group where I don’t know others, making my shyness and social anxiety worse.
Still, with these restrictions I am still working on this issue, and I am hoping that as time goes on I will get to know more people and be getting more support, which will help for my shyness to go down to a more manageable level. I have joined a support group and gone to a Reiki share, and gone out to eat several times with several friends, which I will be writing about more on the blog. )
(This item is about expressing yourself creatively. I had been kind of stuck, in a couple of important ways and am trying to overcome those.
Last week I made a goal of writing a poem and I wrote a poem. :) I’m not saying that it was the best I have ever written, but it was important to do it. I also read a lot of poems, that seems to get me going creatively with words. I hadn’t written a poem since February 2013 when I started getting ready to move and then had so many bad things happen with my new roommate and the apartment. I realized that I was stuck, by the bad times, then living in a shelter for a month, then my new place, and not being online here for months due to money concerns, well it really kept me stuck and thinking about it was not getting me anywhere.
I finally got some more beading supplies so that I can make earrings, bracelets, and necklaces again. It has been about five years since I really did any real beading work.
I finally got some poster board and bought some old magazines so that I can make some collages, that too has been a long time since I created one.
I’ve also been working on bringing more of my creativity into my daily life and seeing it in more of the things that I do. One of those things is to see and acknowledge my blog as being creative and as a big part of my creative expression to the world.)
The suggestion is to wear the clothes that you feel the most ‘you’ in. I had been thinking about this for a while, wanting to wear clothes that are not only very comfortable, which is always what I need to do for my health issues, is to be comfortable and for my clothes to be loose, and start adding more creative touches that are whimsical, silly, and fun. I had been buying some bead bracelets and assorted pins at the used store and I wear them on my backpack. I am always looking at clothes when I go to the used stores and sometimes at the regular stores, and rarely finding something great to go with my ideas of comfort, fun, and casual attire.
“Hello unattainable, you will be attained. I will grip you in my hands, small but strong, and you will be, you will be, you will be mine.”
(mentions physical abuse by mother, when pregnant)
Dear one. You inspire me. I think of you and I am overwhelmed with awe.
Your courage is huge. In your dark and liquid abode.
In a hostile and hateful environment you fought to live and to continue. Even though our female parent tried to end your life several times while in the womb, you and your strength endured. My mind is boggled by your strength, little baby girl.
I just want to wrap you up in my arms and protect you. I want to fight for you, because I know your unique self and the unique gifts that you bring to the world.
You chose life. It still staggers and amazes me how much love you have for life and for loving others, how much you believe in goodness and gentleness and how much that has effected me all of my life.
If I was in your place I don’t think I could have made those choices, though I have to admit I make those kinds of choices each day. Even so, I cannot imagine ever being as brave as you.
You are so tenacious. I am tenacious because of you. Everything that I am is from you and due to you and emanates first from you.
I love you. I will always admire and love you and try to live my life in a way that honors you and your courage.
Sweet baby girl, I love you.
My love reaches out to you, from all these years away, and envelops you. You are not alone. You are loved. I am here. I will always be here with you. You will never be alone. You will always be loved. Through all the years I will always love and parent you.